This Drifting Excrement Was Far Too Symbolic! It's the Television Disappointments of the Year.

Looking back, we consider the television landscape of the past year, a handful of shows emerge not for their excellence, but for their spectacular shortcomings. Ranging from cringe-inducing spin-offs to confusingly bad docuseries, here are the programmes that had us utterly bewildered or simply reaching for the remote.

The 'Sex and the City' Sequel

How to start with this divisive spin-off? Plagued with dreadful writing, painful arcs (justice for Miranda!), and a mere 71 seconds of fan-favourite Samantha, the series struggled to find its footing. For a moment, as the final season began, it seemed as if it had finally hit its stride. Then came an installment centered on Seema’s natural deodorant. Little surprise the creator declared this would be the last season. It concluded on a low point; the lingering shot of Miranda’s toilet full of poo was just way too symbolic. Yet, viewers certainly found joy dissecting every single “wtf?” episode. And as Carrie – once again single – danced around her sprawling townhouse to Barry White, who didn’t release a small sob?

All’s Fair

‘Can Kim Kardashian act? The answer is a resounding no.’

But that was almost the smallest of this drama's issues. The recipient of a exceedingly uncommon zero star review, it was difficult to know where to begin enumerating the flaws. The laughably wooden dialogue? The tedious glorification of wealth and materialism? The almost deliberate parade of cliches? Performances so bad they felt almost spiteful? Let’s just say “each and every one” and never speak of this series again. However, a new season has been ordered, so we’re probably going to have to.

The Charlie Sheen Documentary

Given the restraining orders, abuse claims and parental shortcomings, it’s fair to say Charlie Sheen has been a troubled figure. Not that you’d really have gleaned it from this multi-part documentary which smirked its way at Sheen’s various bouts of reckless excess while struggling to tell us a single thing we didn’t already know. Rather, it felt as if this volatile personality was being pandered to, so any pity this series might induce should be saved for the people who have had to suffer close contact with this charismatic but flippant narcissist.

The Supercomputer Drama

Naturally we knew it was preposterous from the outset: a drama about a supercomputer known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either save the world – or destroy all of humanity. We stuck with it out of pure love for its stars … but by the end, it felt like even they had given up trying. One barely reacted when his character died, and the other ultimately slicing Charlie with an axe … in painfully slow-motion. That's what you call admitting defeat.

MobLand

Shady figures meeting in deserted boxing gyms? The Prodigy’s Firestarter jackhammering away in club scenes? The late 90s called and wants its crime drama back.

In truth, that is harsh on the crime shows of the late 90s. Many seem a bit old-fashioned now, but at least they didn’t endure the embarrassment of having to accommodate baffling dialects. But there were many other problems. Mainly that it was just profoundly dull; a conflict over narcotics territory between various cockney picaresques which seemed a bit basic.

With Love, Meghan

Considering the extent to which she provokes the ire of certain ostentatiously angry commentators, it’s almost tempting to admire the Duchess of Sussex’s various forays into twee homemaking as deliberate provocations. But then you watch them and are compelled to admit that actually, they may have a point. It’s like watching a lifestyle magazine animated; a poster for wine o’clock with ideas of grandeur; a parade of snoozing dogs, humming beehives, sentimental sayings and pointless crafting “hacks” you’ll not remember instantly. All underpinned by immense, largely undeserved wealth. Ugh.

The Beckham Documentary

There are clearly fascinating things to be said about both Victoria Beckham and her struggles with career, identity, self-acceptance. But for some reason, this documentary series opted not to explore them. Instead, the experience was akin to reading a marketing catalogue. She obviously has good reason to resent what she describes as her “stern” image. But sadly, she failed to do herself any favours with this cagey letdown of a series.

The Game Show

It should have been the next big hit – except even more extravagant, with a famous star as a deceased benefactor and a sharp-tongued personality managing her estate. What more could you ask for? As contestants competed, there was plenty of betrayal and squabbling. But the rules quickly became incomprehensible: it’s still too confusing to explain what exactly was happening. Even more regrettably, we only saw brief appearances of the star via prerecorded videos. The series ended up reeking of a production that was straining desperately to live up to something way beyond it.

The Lena Dunham Romcom

How does one succeed a show that defined a generation? The pressure was enormous for this starry romantic comedy about Jessica, a hopeful New Yorker who lands in London with a broken heart. The star took her biggest role by the horns and was joyous to watch, embodying Jane Austen levels of romantic ideals. But it was all very glossy and, paradoxically, was not enough. Plus, the sheer amount of famous friends involved felt icky.

The Sketch Show Return

Not good enough to be ‘patchy’.

Given the shrewd recruitment of gifted younger comics, expectations were high. But sadly, most of it fell flat. A particular sketch was a single joke stretched to a dry pulp but repeated in every episode. One star seemed too willing to slip into a well-known ranting mode. The writing room sketches, in contrast, simply provoked the idea that they should probably have remained in there a bit longer.

The Knox Dramatisation

This dramatisation of the story of Amanda Knox was overseen by Amanda Knox and pretty much exclusively presented the viewpoint of Amanda Knox. So, while there undoubtedly is an compelling drama to be made about the tragic 2007 murder, this was not it. The subject matter needed to be handled with care. Rather, the series struggled painfully to find the right tone, lurching from oddly breezy, somewhat stylised farce to inevitably, real-life horror. Twisted? Arguably. A total mess? Absolutely.

Prime Target

We love the lead actor … but did we buy him playing the most brilliant maths genius in history, a man so smart he’s on the brink of a discovery that could destabilise society? Nope! This international thriller about secret services targeting – and killing off – intellectuals honestly got more absurd by the second. Formulaic nonsense.

1000 Men and Me: The Bonnie Blue Story

This uncritical portrait followed the content creator renowned for sexual escapades as she prepared for her biggest challenge yet. What on earth would motivate her? What we craved was way more interrogation of her actual psychology, plus those of the men in the line. They could at least have spoken to the now-famous mum who appeared to drag her son away from the queue. What we got was disturbing shots and zero critical analysis of her notoriety whatsoever. And to think, the documentary-maker has a young daughter too.

Tammy Townsend
Tammy Townsend

A professional poker strategist with over a decade of experience in UK tournaments, specializing in online play and player psychology.